


Benezdrine, My Benzedrine

by ForbiddenToast



Series: Shadows and Dreams [2]
Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: America's Suitehearts (Music Video), Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-13
Updated: 2015-04-13
Packaged: 2018-03-22 18:40:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3739303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForbiddenToast/pseuds/ForbiddenToast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes when he was alone, Benzedrine would let the permanent smile slip from his pale face and focus on the hollow feeling hibernating in his stomach.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Benezdrine, My Benzedrine

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of a series, though it can be read as a stand alone thing if you want.  
> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy.

Benzedrine was bright and colourful, wherever he went happiness seemed to follow and he was happy himself; Living with Sandman on their hill and spending hours brewing new concoctions or playing with the white guitar he adored on the carousel.

People always seemed to smile when they spotted him in town, upon seeing the man dressed in yellow people would say things like “Doctor, it’s such a wonderful day today.” And children would run to him, asking if he wished to join in their games which involved cameras and flashing lights.

Sometimes though, when he was alone, Benzedrine would let the permanent smile slip from his pale face and focus on the hollow feeling hibernating in his stomach, how everything sometimes seemed _too_ happy - it never rained yet there was never drought or and why when they first met, Horseshoe Crab had called him “Patrick.”

During these times, usually in a secluded area like near the Hollywood sign, Benzedrine felt wrong in his own skin, there was a soft voice in the back of his mind telling him he didn’t belong here and soon he would feel lightheaded, the yellow of his clothes not helping the situation.

Though, every time his thoughts veered off into the territory of wishing there was another world full of greys and dirt to belong to there would be cool breath against his neck in no time. Soon joined by icy kisses that made him shiver all over.

“Bennie,” Sandman would whisper gently against the skin he was marking, making the hollow feeling in Benzedrine’s chest freeze but not disappear – Benzedrine knew that not even Sandman had the power to make that go away.  “Benzedrine, my Benzedrine.”

It was rare for him to see the other man during the day, usually Sandman would be near the elevator during the day, awaiting the next fame seeker to ‘join the circus’. Benzedrine usually only seen his other half at night when he would walk into their small house and force him to go to bed since Benzedrine could stay up all night working, sometimes did on occasion.

When cold arms snaked their way around his waist he could no longer feel the warm rays of the sun or the warm breeze that always seemed to be everywhere.  All he could feel was Sandman’s cool breath and the slight pain his lips caused.

It was corrupt, unnerving but right at the same time.

Sandman’s calming chants of his name always became more vocal the longer he dwelled on the feelings tucked deep down, getting more forceful and desperate as the arms around Benzedrine’s waist got impossibly tighter and his head started hurting until the vibrant colours of the hills started to blur.

“My sweet Benzedrine,” Sandman would whisper when the tension in the yellow man’s shoulders melted away. “So pretty in yellow, with a beam like the sun and happiness in a bottle.”

Normally when Sandman said those words his resolve would break, and Benzedrine would force the hollow feeling deep down again before turning around to see Sandman’s deep eyes and kiss that smile of his with tears slowly welling up in his eyes – Convincing himself this feeling was punishment for something, that everyone here experienced it at one point or another. Sandman would just hold him closer, whispering Benzedrine’s name against his lips so he could almost taste it, and without remembering what happened after that Benzedrine would wake up the next day in their house on the darkest hill for miles around.

Except one day Benzedrine just couldn’t bury the unwanted mixture of emotions and feelings in his body.

This time he had chosen to sit underneath a lilac tree near the noisy elevator, watching people climb into their world dressed in dully coloured t-shirts, jeans and dresses as photographers swarmed them.

 He was just barely out of sight, sitting on his yellow jacket and soaking in the sun’s warm rays with his shirt sleeves pushed up when this kid showed up. He was no different from the middle-aged woman who’d passed half an hour ago but the blue pyjamas, glasses and fedora sparked something inside of Benzedrine.

He felt bad for this kid, for what he was going to do to him later when he gave him the concoction of chemicals which would make him desirable to the public and the pill he would give him in a couple of weeks’ time that would make the attention go to his blond head. Underneath the dread of his job though was something else, something grey and painful and he just couldn’t place his finger on what it was but it was just there.

The voice inside his head had just started whispering “ _you_ _don’t_ _belong_ _here_.” when the smooth lips were on his neck and a pale hand found his cheek.

“Bennie?” Sandman breathed out slowly. “Benzedrine.”

_Patrick_ he thought quickly as another hand wrapped around his waist, keeping him firmly in place on the grass against Sandman’s chest. _I’m called Patrick. I’m not a doctor, I’m-_

Feeling a nose nuzzle into his neck made him tense further, he felt frozen but his mind was buzzing with a silent chant of: _PatrickPatrickPatrickPatrick_

“M-my-“ He started only to whimper quietly when Sandman bit down _hard_ on the curve of his neck, only to start sucking and licking it afterwards – marking him.

“My what?”

“My name’s uh…P-Patrick.”

Benzedrine knew that saying that to Sandman was a mistake the second the words left his lips because Sandman stopped the whispering into his neck and black fingernails dug into his hip painfully.

“Who told you that?” He growled with _heat_ in his voice. Not the smooth and calm voice that always soothed the ache in Benzedrine’s chest. “You’re Dr. Benzedrine – _my_ Benzedrine.”

“I- I don’t, why do you always call me that?”  He gasped out, the cold chill spreading through him more as the sun dipped behind the trees surrounding them, making the glowing lights of the elevator more prominent.  

“Call you what?” Sandman replied slowly, drawing each word out in a manner which made a tiny bit of fear circle in Benzedrine’s chest. “Bennie, you didn’t test potions yourself again did you?”

Shaking his head he couldn’t help the feeling of guilt settling inside of him, he promised he would always tell Sandman if something was wrong, even if it was just feeling dizzy constantly, last time he kept something from Sandman the world was losing it’s colour and Donnie barely noticed in time to save him.

Hearing a hum of relief Benzedrine knew he had to give a reason for this, he couldn’t just pass this off as drinking something he’d made to test it out, he needed a real answer; an acceptable one for Sandman or he’d be spending the rest of the night alone in the dark of their house.

Benzedrine couldn’t spend another night alone, it would kill him.

“N-no it’s just, I feel _wrong_.  My names not Benzedrine and I wear dull clothes and go to school.” He rhymed off, telling the truth as Sandman’s tongue traced his neck. “I- I remember nightmares a-and-“A cold hand clasped over his mouth at that, and he knew he talked too much. He had to keep things short and sweet with Sandman if he wanted to get his point across, he didn’t care much for rambling.

 

“ _Patrick_ ,” The name rolled off Sandman’s tongue like something foreign, Sandman said it like the name wasn’t a real thing. Not someone he once loved or cared for. “Patrick isn’t real sweetheart, not anymore…He gave himself up for you to be here. Don’t you remember?”

Breathing deeply Sandman pressed his face into the crook of Benzedrine’s neck, reliving that night like it was yesterday. When his perfect little human screamed in his sleep and Benzedrine stood beside him sadly, holding onto his hand tightly. Head looking away from the scene.

Benzedrine had felt the pain when Patrick Stump’s body gave up, lungs slowing and heart stopping. But he needed Patrick to be his, needed him in Hollywood Hills – not just visiting in his dreams.

“I love you Bennie,” He whispered softly over the birds, as he felt tears spilling down the other’s face onto his hand. “I loved Patrick too, he was so perfect, so _pure_ but look at you now, your exquisite, captivating.”

Benzedrine choked a sob out around Sandman’s hand, finally remembering himself watching as he died on that bed. With Sandman carding a hand through Patrick’s sweaty hair, while he refused to watch, in too much pain to even barely make out Sandman’s shadow in that small room.

He was mourning himself, and Benzedrine couldn’t help but wonder why Patrick chose this, to live in this world and leave everything and everyone behind.

“I want you to go talk to Donnie,” Sandman finally said, breaking the silence and dropping his hand. Head still resting on Benzedrine’s shoulder. “And after that go home and rest, no potions or research or even playing guitar. You need to sleep this off.”

When he didn’t move or reply, Sandman stood up and rounded him until he could see his Bennie’s broken face, yellow makeup running down red cheeks and that exhausted look in his eyes he hadn’t seen since Patrick was alive.

“Bennie, it’s okay. “

“I love you,” Benzedrine rushed out quickly, tearing his eyes up to Sandman and taking his outstretched hand to pull him up. “I-I’m happy I chose here…”

“You are?”

Nodding Benzedrine swallowed and picked his coat up before leaning into Sandman’s solid figure. “Y-Yeah, Patrick liked it here too…He must have.”

Kissing the top of Benzedrine’s hat Sandman said “Good to hear.” Before he was leading him into the bright town, towards Donnie and Horseshoe who could help with the almost grey look Benzedrine was now owning.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is appreciated and if you think that the death mentioned should be tagged as a major one then just let me know and I'll change it, I'm not too sure if it counts or not.  
> On a side note, there may be another (and final) part to this where I go into Patrick's story more but for now this is all I've got.


End file.
